Understanding the emotional stages following divorce can help alleviate anxiety and despair. According to US-based marriage and family therapist Oona Metz, whether the divorce is initiated by you or your partner, you will still experience a range of emotions throughout this life transition.
Grief: Heartbreak and grief are the first stages of divorce.
If you initiated the divorce, you likely experienced pain during the marriage that led to your decision. In addition to emotional pain, many people also experience physical symptoms during this stage.
Research by Hetherington & Kelly suggests that the pain of divorce is complex, taking about two years to process and around 4 years to regain stability.
Emotional Rollercoaster: This is often the longest stage. Emotions fluctuate unpredictably and often overlap. You might experience two opposing feelings simultaneously.
During this phase, you'll go through a whirlwind of emotions, including sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, anxiety, regret, hurt, rejection, shame, and confusion. Over time, these painful feelings will become less intense, less frequent, and shorter in duration.
Healing: A 2003 study by German psychologist Lucas and colleagues, which followed over 600 people for 9 years after their divorce, found that at least 72% showed recovery, with changes in life satisfaction over the long term.
The study also found that for many, acute distress subsides within one or two years, but full psychological equilibrium, especially in complex divorces or later in life, can take 3-5 years.
In this stage, emotions become less intense and frequent as you learn to heal. This healing involves shifting focus from your former spouse to yourself. You may still feel sadness, but also relief from the conflict and tension of the marriage.
This is also a time for reflection and taking responsibility for your role in the marriage and the decision to divorce.
Letting Go: This is the stage where you accept that your marriage is over. You begin to feel calmer, moving away from limbo and into a more certain life.
You have more energy to invest in activities unrelated to the marriage or divorce. You experience greater peace and are no longer triggered by your former spouse.
You start to find forgiveness for yourself, those close to you, and possibly even your ex. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial during this phase.
Openness to New Experiences: As you regain power and control, you may find yourself ready to pursue new interests and relationships.
Many people shift from feeling that divorce was the worst thing to believing it was for the best. The divorce will always be part of your past, but it no longer dominates your daily life. You have survived and are ready to rediscover yourself.
Thuy Linh (From Psychology Today)
