The sole reason is that every time he considers filing, his wife reminds him of her condition: splitting their assets, which include 5 houses and company shares.
Thanh, 40, and his wife, residents of Ho Chi Minh City, worked hard together throughout their youth to build a successful business. After 10 years of marriage, their love faded, and they became strangers in their own home.
However, neither can initiate a divorce because they haven't reached an agreement on asset division.
"She only supported me during the initial stages of starting the business. After that, she became a homemaker. All the land and the 5 houses we purchased were acquired through my efforts," he said.
Thanh proposed giving his wife two houses, while he keeps three and all the company shares. His wife disagreed. He has repeatedly hired lawyers to find a legal way to retain the assets as he desires, but it hasn't been possible.
He chose to separate and live with his new partner, even though their relationship isn't legally recognized. His child with his "second wife" is now 4.
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Illustrative photo: Londonmumsmagazine |
Illustrative photo: Londonmumsmagazine
Although he doesn't have many assets to dispute, Tran Toan, 45, from Hanoi, has been living in a rented room for the past three years instead of filing for divorce. He's afraid that the apartment he painstakingly saved for his entire life will have to be sold and split.
The apartment, worth over 4 billion VND in Xuan Dinh, represents the combined savings of both husband and wife throughout their youth. If they divorce, neither can afford to buy out the other's half. If they sell and divide the proceeds, he fears having nothing left for his child.
He also doesn't want to give the house to his wife. "If she remarries, how can I control what they do with the house?" he said. Having no intention of remarrying himself, he chooses to maintain the marriage on paper to avoid risks.
"If I can't keep the family together for my child, at least I can keep the house," he said.
Maintaining a marriage in name only due to fear of asset division is not uncommon. According to court statistics from 2019, over 90% of divorcing couples in Vietnam go through a period of separation. Some couples separate for up to 10 years before filing for divorce. The two main reasons are "concern for the child's well-being without both parents" and "inability to divide assets."
"Some couples are unable to agree on asset division, which completely stalls the divorce process," said lawyer Ngoc Nu, head of the Tri Viet Law Office (Ho Chi Minh City).
Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh, a psychology lecturer at the Regional Political School II, suggests that there are four types of families in psychology: warm nests, cold nests, porcupine nests, and broken nests. Couples like Thanh and his wife, or Toan, who no longer have feelings for each other but remain together for financial reasons, belong to the "cold nest" category. "They are indifferent, disconnected, and emotionally hurt each other. This is also a form of violence," she said.
Living in a loveless marriage prevents individuals from being themselves. They are torn between emotions and reason, between family ties and material possessions.
Thanh and his wife have had numerous arguments, each wanting to rush to court and end the marriage. However, whenever his wife says, "Just divide the assets with me, then you can go wherever you want," Thanh abandons the idea. This cycle of resentment and torment continues.
"I don't want to lose out, and he's even more greedy," his wife said.
Psychologist Hong Huong (Child Rights Protection Association) believes that if both parties agree to live as "partners," maintaining the marriage legally to avoid asset division but without causing each other harm, it can be understandable in modern society.
The damaging aspect arises when they continue to exert their rights as husband and wife to control each other, even though the love is gone. She once counseled a man who had two children with another woman but didn't dare divorce his first wife. He would provoke arguments as an excuse to leave and be with his new partner. His "official wife" would then badmouth and complain about him to others.
The wife doesn't want a divorce because the husband is the primary breadwinner. The husband stays married to avoid scandal and damage to his career. "When they become slaves to money, they are the first victims," said Huong.
From a child psychology perspective, Huong asserts that children are always the victims, regardless of the circumstances. "Children look to their parents as role models to define marriage. If their parents' marriage is just a facade, they will develop a distorted view," she said.
For children in their adolescence, knowing that their parents are only staying together for financial reasons can lead to feelings of insecurity and emotional detachment. Some children may seek affection through early relationships.
Toan acknowledges this. His two children are old enough to understand and empathize. But deep down, he knows they are sad. "My eldest daughter told me she's an unfortunate child because, among her close friends, only her parents don't live together," he shared.
Lawyer Ngoc Nu explains that in these situations, couples can proceed with the divorce first. Asset disputes can be resolved later as a civil case. However, this approach is time-consuming, laborious, and expensive, so it's not a popular choice.
In Toan's case, the lawyer suggests transferring ownership of half the house to his child and requesting guardianship over that portion of the asset until the child reaches adulthood. After the divorce, if the wife wants to sell the house, she would need the guardian's consent. "This method both preserves the asset for the child and protects the rights of the father and mother," she said.
Dr. Minh cites a study of 1,000 people showing that the majority support the view that "if love is gone, divorce is advisable." "Philosophical arguments about the origin of family also suggest that divorce is a humane act when love has ended. People shouldn't be trapped in an empty relationship because of money," she said.
However, if they choose to stay, each person needs to fulfill their role. They can't choose to live a double life like Thanh. "Doing so causes far greater emotional damage than any material gain," Minh emphasized.
Despite the exhaustion, neither Thanh nor his wife wants to give in. Aware of the disadvantages faced by his second wife and child, he compensates them with a life that lacks nothing but legitimacy.
*Names have been changed.
Pham Nga
