That day, 12-year-old Thu had mustered all her courage to tell her mother she was being sexually abused by a relative living nearby. But seeing her mother's dismissive reaction, she didn't dare mention it again and the abuse continued. The family only discovered the truth when she became pregnant. "I wanted to tell you, but you didn't seem to care, so I didn't dare say anything more," the girl replied when asked why she had remained silent.
Six-year-old Thu An in Ha Tinh also remained silent when she was sexually abused by a relative. However, observing changes in her daughter's behavior, Minh Hanh suspected something was wrong and gently coaxed the story out of her. Eventually, the girl revealed that her cousin had subjected her to frightening and painful acts.
Having worked with and supported these two cases, Nguyen Thi Khoi, a Case Manager at Hagar International in Vietnam, recognizes that attentiveness from caregivers is crucial in identifying child sexual abuse. Hagar International is an organization that provides comprehensive support services to individuals affected by domestic violence, sexual abuse, and human trafficking.
In many cases of sexual abuse, children may not show obvious signs of trauma or may not speak up due to fear, shame, threats, or simply being too young to understand what's happening. "Therefore, a child's silence doesn't mean nothing is wrong," Khoi said.
With nearly 20 years of experience supporting children affected by sexual abuse, Nguyen Thi Khoi shares some signs that a child may be experiencing sexual abuse, even without visible physical injuries.
Sudden behavioral changes: Children may become irritable, easily agitated, or persistently anxious for no apparent reason. They may withdraw socially, lose interest in their usual activities, experience a decline in academic performance, become inattentive or forgetful, or resist going to school.
Sleep disturbances: Children might have recurring nightmares, wake up suddenly in the night, develop a fear of the dark, or insist on sleeping with their parents even if they previously slept alone. They may also start wetting the bed again after having achieved nighttime continence.
Avoiding physical contact or fearing a specific person: Children may refuse to be touched, especially in sensitive areas, or react strongly with screaming or panic. They may avoid or show distress around a particular individual, possibly someone familiar within the family or community.
Unusual fear of familiar places. This can manifest as anxiety or psychological trauma. Children may cry frequently without a clear reason, startle excessively at noises or touch, or make self-deprecating remarks like "I'm a bad person" or "I'm naughty."
Age-inappropriate sexual behavior: Children may exhibit knowledge, language, or behavior related to sexuality beyond their developmental stage. They may engage in pretend sexual acts, play with toys in a suggestive manner, or touch others' private parts.
Indirect physical signs: Children may complain of pain, burning, itching, or discomfort without a clear cause. They may exhibit prolonged fatigue, loss of appetite, weight loss, or urinary tract infections. In some cases, an unusual odor in the genital area or persistent scratching of the genitals may also be signs that warrant medical attention.
If you are certain your child has been sexually abused, Khoi advises parents to remain calm, offer comfort and support, rather than blame or reproach. Parents should say, "This is difficult, but you are so brave for telling us. We are so grateful for your trust, and we will be here for you." Such encouragement helps children feel safe and supported.
Reassure the child that sexual abuse is a crime and they are and will be protected. Help them understand that they are not at fault and should not feel ashamed. Parents should provide consistent care and love, allowing ample time for healing.
A crucial principle is absolute confidentiality. Sharing the abuse with relatives, friends, or neighbors only adds pressure on the child. It can even cause further distress if the information spreads. "The child hasn't even processed the trauma of the abuse before being overwhelmed by gossip," Khoi warns.
Experts advise caregivers never to condone the abuse. Report it immediately to the authorities, create a safe environment for the child, and separate them from the perpetrator.
If the abuser is a family member, prevent both direct and indirect contact (through messages, phone calls, or intermediaries) to protect the child from threats, manipulation, and withholding information.
If you discover a child has just been abused, avoid bathing or changing their clothes to preserve crucial evidence for the investigation. If changing clothes is unavoidable, keep the original garments as evidence.
The child should receive medical examination and treatment at a specialized facility or from organizations and authorities that provide appropriate support services.
Parents should maintain the child's usual routine, reinforcing the belief that they are right, deserve protection, and have their family and the law on their side.
Khoi cautions against forcing children to forget the past and return to normal life before they're ready. Hagar once supported an 18-year-old still traumatized by sexual abuse she experienced at age 6. Her psychological state worsened when adults repeatedly told her it was in the past, the perpetrator had paid the price, and she should forget about it and move on.
"Sexual abuse leaves deep scars, which can't be erased. It's crucial for family, social organizations, and professionals to support children in processing their trauma, taking control of their lives, and managing their pain in a healthy way," Khoi said.
*Names have been changed.
Pham Nga
