"I was shocked, resentful, and then heartbroken," she recalls. Tan, a Singapore office worker, had been married for five years. She never suspected her husband, even though he often came home late, claiming he was "out with friends".

Tan's husband, 35-year-old Leo, admitted to the year-long affair, explaining it as a way to satisfy physical needs and escape "negative emotions he couldn't share" with his wife.

According to psychologist Dr. Scott Haltzman, approximately 25% of men and 15% of women in Singapore have had at least one extramarital affair.

Statistics from the Singapore Department of Statistics show that in 2020, infidelity or "unacceptable behavior" was cited in 53% of divorce filings. Experts at the Singapore Counselling Centre, a family and marriage therapy provider, say infidelity is not uncommon.

However, many are too hurt or ashamed to speak out, even if they wish to salvage the relationship. They grapple with the question: after betrayal, should they stay or leave?

Studies show that infidelity rarely occurs spontaneously. It often stems from long-standing cracks in the relationship, where trust and emotional connection gradually erode.

Counselor Beverly Foo, at The Lighthouse Counselling, notes that many couples are stretched thin between demanding jobs and childcare, making time for each other the first thing to be sacrificed.

As intimacy declines, the relationship can become a source of stress. Foo observes that growing distance leads to less investment in the marriage, increasing resentment, diminishing appreciation, and a focus on flaws.

Feeling emotionally abandoned or vulnerable, one or both partners might cross boundaries with someone else. The outside connection can offer a sense of validation, and over time, they allow themselves to betray their partner.

Meanwhile, Tammy Fontana, a counselor at All in the Family, argues that infidelity doesn't always reflect personal morality, but often signals underlying relationship issues. She adds that it can stem from "emotional immaturity," depression, unaddressed trauma, or addiction-related disorders. According to experts, social stigma keeps many from discussing infidelity, considering it a sensitive or shameful topic.

Illustrative photo: CNA

However, infidelity doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship.

Experts say practical factors like children or financial dependence can influence the decision to stay or leave. "The couple's response after the affair is often decisive," says Beverly Foo, director of The Lighthouse Counselling.

If the person who had the affair takes full responsibility, ends the outside relationship, and demonstrates remorse through credible actions, the relationship has a chance to heal. The hurt partner also needs to feel emotionally safe enough to engage in this process.

Tan and Leo's case is one example. Tan agreed to give her husband a chance because of their two young children and his ending contact with the other woman.

"Without those things, I don't think we could have continued," she recalls. Even after betrayal, couples may still have an emotional connection, shared history, or mutual respect.

To overcome betrayal, each person needs to start by managing their own emotions.

Couples might temporarily live apart to reduce tension and prevent escalating conflict. They should postpone major decisions like separation until emotions subside. Family or close friends can assist with daily tasks like childcare during this time.

Once emotions are more stable, couples need to have honest conversations about their feelings and previously unmet needs. The person who had the affair has a responsibility to answer all questions truthfully. If communication becomes too strained, they should consider relationship therapy.

To rebuild trust, clear boundaries and transparency are essential. The person who was unfaithful can share personal accounts, provide regular schedule updates, and avoid any secretive behavior.

"I had to quit drinking, tell my wife when I'd be home, and check in with her regularly," Leo says. These actions helped them stay connected and gradually recover from the crisis.

Ngoc Ngan (According to CNA)