28-year-old Duc Tung admits to being hopelessly devoted in relationships, willing to sacrifice everything for his girlfriends. He has experienced emotional devastation after breakups. His most recent relationship, with a Hanoi student, lasted 4 years. To meet her demands for tuition, a new phone, a motorbike, travel, and cosmetics, he worked two or three jobs simultaneously. He gave her almost his entire monthly income, keeping only a small amount for himself. He would frantically try to appease her every time she was displeased or upset.

Friends pitied him and advised him against being so devoted to a seemingly materialistic girl, but Tung ignored them. "She's my girlfriend now, my future wife, so it's not a loss", he said.

But the day she graduated was also the day Tung was dumped. "You're still poor and can't take care of me. If you love me, let me find a better life", she said.

Tung was devastated, feeling like he had fallen into a bottomless pit. "I just wish someone would bury me alive", he said.

Thu Ha on a trip to West Lake in 2024. Photo courtesy of the subject.

Thu Ha on a trip to West Lake in 2024. Photo courtesy of the subject.

34-year-old Thu Ha, from Hanoi, also frustrated her family and friends, who were unable to help her see the light regarding her abusive husband.

She knew he was a bad person, but couldn't leave him. When he urged her to borrow money and bring it to a hotel for his "business," she rushed there, only to find him with another woman. Yet, she still refused to believe he was cheating.

Looking back on their 5-year relationship and 3-year marriage, she realized she had lived like his servant. "I gave him all my earnings and dowry from my parents for his business. When he went bankrupt, I took out loans to pay his debts", she recounted.

When her husband was away for months, sending only cold text messages, Thu Ha consoled herself: "He must be busy with his career". She caught him sending affectionate texts to someone else numerous times, leading to tearful confrontations. But a few explanations and a hug would always soften her heart.

Even when his infidelity became public, Thu Ha still couldn't let go. "I was afraid that life would be meaningless without him", she said. When he asked for a divorce, she pleaded with him, promising not to be jealous or angry. "I tried to fight back, to confront the other woman. But when he threatened to leave, I cowered and stayed silent", Ha said.

In psychology, individuals like Duc Tung and Thu Ha are classified as "love addicts," manipulated and abused both materially and emotionally, yet still clinging to their partners. "They love to the point of self-destruction, losing themselves," says psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam (TP HCM).

Dr. Tran Thi Hong Thu, deputy director of Mai Huong Daytime Psychiatric Hospital (Hanoi), suggests that these individuals may be experiencing mental health issues. "Love addiction is not a natural instinct for love, but a sign of deep psychological trauma", she says.

According to Dr. Thu, those lacking life skills, with low self-esteem, and social isolation are susceptible to "emotional addiction". They not only have excessive expectations of their partners but also surrender their self-worth to them. When abandoned, they completely collapse, losing their direction, support, and themselves.

They love blindly, making excuses for being exploited and clinging on even after betrayal. When the relationship ends, they have nothing left, leading to a complete breakdown: mentally, physically, and in their lives.

Worse, after a breakup, they often seek out unhealthy relationships to fill the void, without healing or understanding their own needs, leading to further pain. A vicious cycle of love addiction, heartbreak, and self-destruction repeats itself.

Dr. Hong Thu cites a 2021 study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders (USA), stating that individuals experiencing emotional shock without social support networks have a three times higher risk of depression compared to those with friends and family support.

A study from Ohio University (USA) also found that those in extremely emotionally dependent relationships have a three times higher risk of depression. Hospitalization due to general weakness, panic attacks, and self-harm after a breakup is not uncommon.

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam suggests that love addiction is often linked to childhood attachment patterns. If a child is separated from their mother early on, lives with emotional deprivation, or has their emotional needs unmet by caregivers, they are prone to developing insecure attachment styles.

These individuals, as adults, often experience love as a matter of survival. They cling to and indulge their partners to the point of losing themselves, even accepting manipulation and abuse without leaving.

After days of feeling suicidal following his girlfriend's departure, Duc Tung's close friend took him to a therapist. He revealed that he was born into a divorced family. He lived with his father and paternal grandparents, but his father had another family. "I always felt like a child living on the sidelines of my father's home. My mother never contacted me", Duc Tung said.

Therefore, when he met his girlfriend and received attention, Duc Tung believed she would heal his wounds. "I worshipped her", Tung said. During their 4-year relationship, he considered her his wife, placing all his love and trust in her. Consequently, when she left him, he lost all will to live.

According to Dr. Hong Thu, escaping the cycle of love addiction starts with oneself. "You are not weak for loving someone too much, but you will be deeply hurt if you forget yourself", she says.

Tam believes many people can't escape love addiction until life throws them a curveball. Like Duc Tung, after therapy, he realized the breakup was a blessing. "I realized that before her, I lived well, even wealthier and freer", he said.

Thu Ha also believes her emotional wounds weren't due to her past but to youthful naivety. She thought her life would end without her loved one. But when her husband left her with a mountain of debt, the heartbreak became her source of strength and independence. Although she thought she couldn't love again, she did.

Her current husband helps her improve daily, loving her and noticing every change in her breathing. "With him, I realized I had never been truly loved before", she said.

Ha doesn't try to forget her past, sharing her story online to awaken other women. "To love someone, you must first love yourself", she realized.

*Names have been changed.

Pham Nga