According to Shannon Chavez, an American psychologist and sex therapist, it's normal for couples to go through periods of low sexual desire. However, choosing to suffer in silence is not. "Over time, romantic love can easily transition into a housemate-like state," Chavez observes. "A lack of intimacy can then become a vicious cycle, making physical connection increasingly less appealing."
Sex therapists have identified 10 common reasons why marriages fall into a state of sexual inactivity.
Inability to discuss sex. Communication is the foundation of any relationship, especially when it comes to intimate topics like sex. Sharing fantasies, desires, or insecurities requires openness, which can be challenging.
"Couples who don't talk about sex gradually lose touch with their own needs and those of their partner," Chavez warns.
Stress and exhaustion. When overwhelmed by work, children, or finances, sexual desire tends to plummet. Chronic stress also increases cortisol, a hormone that suppresses libido and pleasure. "Sex then becomes an obligation, not a pleasurable activity," Chavez says. Jesse Kahn, a psychologist, sex therapist, and director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, suggests, "Consider scheduling sex, rather than waiting for spontaneous desire, which may never happen."
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Illustrative photo: GettyImages |
Illustrative photo: GettyImages
Mismatched libidos. Partners don't always have the same level of desire. Without understanding and compromise, the partner with higher desire may feel rejected, while the other may feel pressured and obligated. "When tension builds and remains unresolved, couples often avoid both conversation and physical intimacy," Kahn notes.
Mental health challenges. Depression, anxiety, trauma, or negative body image significantly impact sexual desire. Many psychiatric medications can also cause sexual dysfunction. "These issues can decrease libido and make you less willing to connect physically with your partner," Chavez explains.
Relationship problems. Infidelity, ongoing disagreements, or unresolved hurt can cool things down in the bedroom. According to American sex therapist Gracie Landes, when resentment and conflict fester, sex loses its place in the relationship.
Criticism. According to renowned researcher John Gottman (University of Washington), criticism is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. In the bedroom, it's even more damaging. "Sexual desire is fragile. Feeling verbally attacked can destroy physical connection," says Stephen Snyder, MD, a sex and relationship therapist.
Unrealistic expectations. Many people mistakenly believe sex should always be passionate and intense like in movies, leading to disappointment and frustration. The pressure to be perfect every time can kill spontaneity and joy. "Focus on connection and exploration, not performance," Chavez advises.
Performance anxiety. Fear of not achieving an erection or orgasm can lead to complete avoidance of sex as a way to escape feelings of failure. "Silence breeds shame, and shame fuels anxiety," Kahn observes.
Reluctance to try new things. It's easy to fall into a rut in long-term relationships. However, fear of rejection or hurting a partner can make people hesitant to suggest changes, leading to boredom.
Loss of interest in each other. Initially, the novelty of sex creates excitement. Over time, couples can become accustomed to old habits, leading to boredom. Kahn advises remembering that sexual relationships evolve, and there are always new things to explore. "Sex becomes mundane when we stop being curious and stop allowing ourselves and our partners to grow," Kahn notes. Try refocusing on pleasure and asking yourself what makes you feel aroused, excited, and desired.
Nhat Minh (Theo Huffpost)
