Her husband, 32-year-old James from England, is a mid-level manager at an international school in Hanoi, earning over 82 million VND per month. Before their marriage, James made it clear that Western men typically don't hand over their entire salary to their wives, but contribute a portion to a shared household fund.

Although surprised, Thu agreed. Based on their respective incomes, she contributed 20% and James 80% to cover rent, utilities, and food.

However, she was still shocked by his spending habits. James is a firm believer in the YOLO (You Only Live Once) lifestyle. He prioritizes travel, considering it a non-negotiable expense. Buying a house or saving for the future has never been part of his plan. Thu, on the other hand, is accustomed to planning for the future and fulfilling her responsibilities towards both sets of parents.

Richard Peter and his wife take their daughter out in Ho Chi Minh City, August 2025. Photo: Provided by the subject

Richard Peter and his wife take their daughter out in Ho Chi Minh City, August 2025. Photo: Provided by the subject

Their differing views on finances became a major source of tension when Thu's family faced a crisis. Last year, her grandmother needed joint surgery, incurring significant costs. Thu wanted to contribute from their joint fund, but James objected, arguing that they should save the money for their Christmas vacation. Later, when Thu's mother was hospitalized, she had to manage all the medical expenses and caregiving on her own. "The growing distance between us made me repeatedly consider ending the marriage just as it had begun," she said.

Thu's story is not uncommon, as international marriages in Vietnam have increased almost tenfold, from 2,000 to 19,000 cases between 2021 and 2023. Nearly 90% of these involve Vietnamese women marrying foreign men.

Financial conflicts are a leading cause of friction in cross-cultural families, according to a survey by Talker Research, a US market research company. On average, international couples argue about money 72 times a year, almost 1.5 times more than local couples.

A study published in the Journal of Family Issues (US) found that cross-border marriages have an average conflict score 31% higher than local couples. Finances remain a primary cause, stemming from differing expectations regarding income and resource allocation.

William Gray, a financial advisor at Infinity Financial Solutions (Ho Chi Minh City), explains that cultural differences in money management arise from varying concepts of family and financial responsibility. He believes that Vietnamese people prioritize building close-knit families, while Westerners emphasize individual independence.

A significant difference is that in Vietnam, children often support their parents in old age. In Western countries, individuals are expected to save for their own retirement, education, and healthcare.

In dating culture, Gray observes that Vietnamese men often cover most expenses in a relationship as a way of demonstrating financial stability and affection. In Western cultures, women are more willing to share costs to assert their independence.

Associate Professor Pham Ngoc Trung, former head of the Department of Development Culture at the Academy of Journalism and Propaganda, agrees with Gray. According to Trung, in Vietnamese families, the wife typically manages finances. "Men build houses, women build homes." Vietnamese women often nurture the family, taking care of everything, including expenses. Cross-cultural families often have many differences. Among them, managing and spending money is a common source of conflict.

"Foreigners often have high incomes and therefore demand a high quality of life. Excessive control over finances can also strain a marriage," Trung adds.

Richard Peter, 42, from England, experienced similar culture shocks when he married Hong Van, 34, in Tan Phu District, Ho Chi Minh City. Fortunately, they overcame their disagreements.

Before marriage, he lived with the motto of enjoying life and spending freely. After marriage, with his high income, he maintained this lifestyle. "My wife, however, always kept track of every expense and constantly thought of ways to save, which annoyed me," Richard said.

His thinking changed as expenses mounted, from furnishing their home to attending numerous family gatherings and celebrations throughout the year. Especially during Tet (Lunar New Year), they had to spend tens of millions of VND on gifts for her extended family, including parents, siblings, and relatives. "In my country, children and parents are responsible for their own finances. Marrying a Vietnamese woman, I felt the weight of responsibility," Richard said.

With the arrival of their first child and the increase in expenses, Richard felt more sympathy for his wife's frugal lifestyle to ensure their child's well-being and education.

After discussions, they agreed to use a joint bank account, with Richard's salary also managed by his wife. This arrangement prevented him from feeling financially controlled. They inform or consult each other before making any significant purchases.

"Thanks to this, two years after our wedding, we were able to buy a house. I was truly surprised by my wife's careful planning and spending," the British husband said.

Richard has also learned to save, even in small ways. He knows how to bargain at the market and discusses purchases with his wife. "Letting my wife be the 'keeper of the purse strings' has contributed to our family's harmony and happiness for over 5 years," the 42-year-old said.

William Gray suggests that to reduce financial conflict in cross-cultural marriages, couples need to understand each other's cultural norms regarding money management. They must find a balance that allows both to live comfortably, including defining roles within the family. One partner might be the primary breadwinner while the other manages the household, or both might work but respect each other's contributions.

He emphasizes the importance of open communication about finances, as studies show that marriages are less likely to end in divorce when couples openly share and collaborate. Families need to agree on the level of involvement of relatives in their financial planning. Vietnamese people have a tradition of sharing generously with their extended family, for example, lending or providing support, while in Western cultures, individuals typically manage their own finances. Open communication helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

After many disagreements, James says it was the love from his wife and her parents that inspired him to become more responsible and caring. He is touched by how his in-laws always prepare delicious meals and help care for their grandchild whenever they visit. They even offered to contribute financially towards buying a house when they saw the couple renting.

"I realized that Vietnamese happiness is seeing their children grow up and live a fulfilling life," James said. This motivated him to work with his wife on a spending plan that includes a dedicated portion for both families.

"Overcoming cultural barriers and resolving financial conflicts has made our marriage happier and more appreciative of each other," he said.

Nga Thanh - Ngoc Ngan