Matt Abrahams teaches "Strategic Communication" in the 250,000 USD master's program at Stanford University's Graduate School of Business. He is also the author of "Think Faster, Talk Smarter," a book on communication skills.
In a podcast interview, Abrahams stated that the most crucial lesson in communication is to build connections rather than trying to impress. He recounted an awkward situation at a buffet during an event, standing silently next to a stranger, unsure how to initiate a conversation.
After observing his surroundings, Abrahams remarked, "I must have missed the memo asking everyone to wear blue." The person next to him laughed, looked around, and responded. Their conversation began, and they became friends for many years afterward.
"Most people think the secret to small talk is making themselves interesting. In reality, what makes others like you is when you are genuinely interested in them," he explained. The Stanford expert offers several suggestions to improve this skill.
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Illustration: Sbims
**Freeing up brain bandwidth**
During conversations, many individuals constantly evaluate their own questions: "Am I sounding foolish?" or "Do they find me boring?" This self-focus consumes mental space, leaving insufficient capacity to process information, listen effectively, and respond naturally.
Abrahams recalled an exercise for his students: Point to an object and intentionally misname it. One student stood in front of a chair for a long time, unable to speak. He explained that he considered calling the chair a cat, but felt it wasn't "wrong enough" because cats also have four legs. According to Abrahams, many people habitually censor every word in their heads, leading to awkward or stalled conversations.
**Building rapport with non-verbal cues**
First impressions largely stem from non-verbal signals, including eye contact, facial expressions, posture, and tone of voice. When meeting strangers, Abrahams advises maintaining an open posture, avoiding crossed arms or looking down at one's phone, and sustaining eye contact while smiling and nodding.
**Preparing five personal stories**
To avoid running out of things to say, communicators should prepare five types of stories: one that reflects a core value; an experience of failure or embarrassment; a significant turning point; a major challenge overcome; and a successful problem-solving instance.
He gave an example of how he and his wife often argued over the way they squeezed toothpaste tubes. This small story can lead to topics like respect or differences in marriage. "Small talk is not like tennis, where you have to hit a beautiful shot. It's like hacky sack; the goal is to keep the ball in the air," he said.
**Ending conversations with a "white flag"**
Many people often conclude conversations by citing reasons like getting water or going to the restroom. Abrahams proposes a "white flag rule" by signaling an upcoming departure in advance. Speakers can use a structure such as: "It was great talking with you, but I need to go say hello to someone in a bit," or ask a final question: "Before I go, what island was that trip you just mentioned on?"
**The impromptu speaking formula**
For unexpected meetings, the expert uses a framework: What (What happened?), So What (Why is it important?), and Now What (What needs to be done next?).
For example, when reporting on a project, a speaker might present: "We collected 200 user surveys" (What), "an 85% satisfaction rate indicates we are on the right track" (So What), and "the team will optimize the interface in two weeks" (Now What). This structure helps maintain coherence even under pressure.
According to Abrahams, most people don't scrutinize every word as speakers often imagine; they simply desire to be heard and connected with.
Bao Nhien (Source: Aboluowang)
