Sex therapist Chamin Ajjan, director of Chamin Ajjan Psychotherapy in New York City, says dismissing sex is a mistake. Intimacy is the bedrock of any relationship. Its absence affects not only the connection with your partner but also your physical health.
Many of Ajjan's clients seek therapy for stress and anxiety, but the root cause is often unrecognized intimacy barriers.
Here are four silent intimacy destroyers and how to fix them:
Phones
Phones and other screened devices disrupt emotional connection, sending the message "I'm not fully present." A 2024 PsychProfile study found 53% of conversations with partners were replaced by texting, a 47% decrease in face-to-face interaction compared to 2019. A StudyFinds survey the same year revealed 72% of couples don't maintain daily intimacy.
Ajjan recommends discussing how it feels when one or both partners use devices during conversations. Set boundaries, such as no devices in the bedroom, on the sofa, during meals, or before bed. Though it might feel like punishment, presence is the foundation of true intimacy.
"Focusing on the present increases connection and reduces relationship stress," she notes.
Stress
Stress diminishes sexual desire in many ways. Work pressures, financial strain, or caring for elderly parents can leave people exhausted and less interested in intimacy. But the bigger impact is how stress silently operates within the relationship. The burden doesn't disappear even if one partner is the primary earner.
According to the American Psychological Association, 68% of women feel overwhelmed juggling work and household responsibilities. Out-earning their husbands often leads them to compensate by taking on more traditional roles due to gender expectations. The result is exhaustion, resentment, and distance from their partner, all of which undermine intimacy.
The solution starts with honest conversation. A wife might say, "I still want to be close, but I'm often exhausted. Sharing the load would help me connect better."
Expressing gratitude also strengthens bonds. Research by Amy Muise at York University shows regular appreciation helps maintain desire. Simple phrases like "Thanks for cooking dinner" or "I appreciate you attending the parent-teacher meeting" make partners feel seen and more connected.
Couples should also redistribute household responsibilities to maintain equality. A Cornell University study found couples who share chores have more sex, averaging 6.8 times per month, 0.5 more than those in traditional relationships.
Outdated stereotypes
Sexologist Nicole McNichols, a professor at the University of Washington, says gender stereotypes affect desire and sexual behavior even in modern, egalitarian relationships.
For instance, women with higher libidos than their partners may feel judged as out of control or unfeminine. Conversely, some men struggle to understand partners with stronger sexual appetites, as it clashes with their "good girl" image or makes them feel less masculine.
McNichols advises recognizing and openly discussing these stereotypes to avoid controlling each other's desires based on outdated scripts. Non-judgmental conversations can rewrite the narrative and revive cooled passions.
Desire is influenced by hormones, illness, stress, and other factors. If your sex life is dwindling, consider non-biological causes and avoid blaming one person.
McNichols emphasizes addressing unequal labor division, respecting individual freedom, and recognizing outdated stereotypes. With curiosity and empathy, couples can break free from barriers and reclaim intimacy and passion.
Ngoc Ngan (via CNBC, Psychology Today)
