Growing up in a strict, traditional northern Vietnamese family, 35-year-old Thanh from Hanoi is no stranger to the rattan cane – a familiar disciplinary tool for parents. As a child, he was always obedient for fear of being beaten, but growing up, he realized he was disadvantaged by not knowing how to defend his opinions and always withdrawing when bullied.

Now a father, he chooses not to use corporal punishment, but remains unsure: "How can I make my children listen without hitting them?"

Hoang Thu Huyen, a clinical psychologist specializing in children and adolescents and head of the psychology department at Hagar International in Vietnam (an organization that provides comprehensive support services to those affected by domestic violence, sexual abuse, and human trafficking), says many parents share Thanh’s confusion.

She believes it's crucial to distinguish between discipline, violence, and a laissez-faire approach to parenting. Some key concepts to clarify:

Permissive parenting: Children do as they please without boundaries. This leads to a lack of self-control, difficulty adapting to school and work environments, and a tendency to lose direction.

Parenting with violence: Using physical punishment, verbal abuse, and threats makes children obey out of fear, not understanding. In the long run, some children may become anxious, withdrawn, lack self-control, or behave differently when their parents are not around.

Positive discipline: Parents provide love and clear boundaries, explaining right and wrong behaviors for children to understand and self-regulate. Children feel safe and respected, even when they make mistakes. These children often demonstrate self-regulation in various environments and develop a strong sense of self-worth.

Children, especially adolescents, are undergoing brain development and have limited emotional control. Frequent yelling and violence keep their brains in a state of alert, diverting energy to cope with stress and fear instead of absorbing knowledge from parents.

Children living in violent families tend to have reduced information processing and logical thinking abilities. "Violence also affects children's emotions, self-confidence, ability to build relationships, and sense of security," Huyen says.

Illustrative photo: Pexels

Illustrative photo: Pexels

What can parents do to practice positive discipline?

According to Huyen, the first step is to build a relationship with children based on love and respect.

Parents should start with simple things like spending time with their children every day, listening to their feelings, and providing skills instead of just focusing on mistakes, respecting their opinions even when they differ.

Psychologist Ross Greene once said, "There are no bad children, only unmet needs and untaught skills." A child who lashes out in anger may simply not know how to react differently.

Children can't calm down if parents yell, "Calm down now!" Instead, teach them emotional regulation techniques like drinking water, taking deep breaths, writing down their feelings, counting to 10, and waiting until they are calm before talking.

Parents also need to set an example by breathing deeply, speaking softly, and using eye contact and body language to help children stay calm.

Next, establish clear, fair, and consistent rules with the children. When they follow the rules, remember to acknowledge, praise, and encourage them.

If children don't follow the rules, let them experience the pre-agreed consequences. Logical consequences teach responsibility without parents becoming "the bad guy," for example, "After finishing your homework, you can watch TV for 20 minutes. If you don't turn it off on time, you won't be able to watch tomorrow."

With parental persistence, children learn self-regulation instead of needing constant adult supervision, thus avoiding parent-child conflict.

If parents have used corporal punishment and feel helpless, where can they start over?

Step 1: Stop and apologize.

Create a sense of safety by ending all hurtful behavior and offering a sincere apology. This is the first step towards healing.

Step 2: Rebuild a safe relationship.

Pause the teaching and just spend time playing, reading, and cooking with the children. The undivided presence of parents with unconditional love helps children's brains re-establish a sense of security.

In some cases, when a child misbehaves, for instance, getting into a fight at school, parents shouldn't immediately admonish them with "what you did was wrong," making the child feel unheard. Let the child speak without interruption. Then, ask questions to understand what happened and show empathy, saying something like, "You must have been very upset/disappointed/angry." Then, discuss solutions: "Now that you've calmed down, how do you think you could have handled it differently?" and "What can I do to help you now?"

After establishing a safe relationship, parents can apply the positive discipline techniques mentioned above.

Shifting from corporal punishment to positive discipline is not easy, but it's the greatest gift parents can give their children. "The goal is not to raise fearful children, but responsible ones with a sense of self-worth, who know how to love and regulate themselves in present and future life," says the psychologist.

Pham Nga