Luo Mingjin, a psychologist at Zhejiang University Hospital (China) and author of "Life Hasn't Hung Up Yet", observes that many modern couples are living in "loneliness right next to their significant other".
Based on thousands of counseling cases, he identifies four common types of "misalignment" that push marriages to the brink and offers ways to reconnect.
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Illustration: Marriage and Family |
Misalignment in roles
"Marriage is like a duet dance; if you don't synchronize your steps, you'll only step on each other's toes," Dr. Luo analogizes. Conflicts arise when one person's expectations for their partner's responsibilities clash with reality.
A typical example is a husband holding the traditional belief that "men build the house, women build the home," while his modern wife works and also wants her husband to share household chores and childcare. This disagreement becomes a source of friction.
Solution: Couples need to sit down and list specific desires for each other instead of holding unspoken expectations. A visual division of labor chart (who washes dishes, who helps with homework) will be more effective than mere words. Start with a gentle suggestion instead of criticism: "I just finished helping the kids with their homework; could you help me clear the dinner table?"
Misalignment in communication
This is like two people holding walkie-talkies on different frequencies. When a wife complains, "You don't care about the family," her real need is to share. However, her husband perceives it as an accusation that dismisses his hard work. When the husband chooses silence to avoid conflict, the wife feels it as punishment through "cold violence" (silent treatment).
Solution: Dedicate 30 minutes each week for quality conversation – no phones, no interruptions. Instead of using accusatory phrases like "You always...", switch to expressing emotions such as "I feel anxious when...". The most important skill is "feedback listening": summarizing your partner's point after they've spoken to confirm you've understood correctly.
Misalignment in support systems
This conflict often arises when the boundaries between the nuclear family (spouses and children) and the extended family (parents) are unclear. A common example is when a mother-in-law interferes with raising grandchildren, and the husband sides with his mother. This makes the wife feel isolated in her own home.
Solution: The core principle is establishing a "firewall." Couples must agree on the view, "We are the top priority." Apply the rule: Each spouse handles sensitive issues with their own parents, and create unique rituals (travel, family days) to strengthen internal bonding.
Misalignment in personal growth
Tragedy strikes when one person continuously learns and advances, while the other remains complacent and stagnant. Over time, shared interests fade, and the gap widens.
Solution: The faster-developing partner should "lead the way," sharing new insights in easily understandable language. Simultaneously, both should find new common ground, such as learning a skill or reading a book together. The slower-developing partner also needs to consciously pursue self-learning to avoid being left behind.
When recognizing signs of a rift, Dr. Luo offers a three-step reconciliation roadmap:
Short-term (one to seven days): Cool down emotions. Avoid making divorce decisions while angry. Journaling and exercising can help relieve stress.
Mid-term (one to three months): Change communication patterns. Seek professional help from a psychologist.
Long-term: Regardless of whether the outcome is reconciliation or separation, focus on rebuilding self-confidence and your life's core purpose.
"Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Seeking assistance is not a sign of weakness; it's an act of self-responsibility," Dr. Luo emphasized.
Bao Nhien (According to Marriage and Family)
