Some nights, even after Sophie Jaffe has gone to bed, her phone still buzzes with video messages from her 13-year-old son, showing him somersaulting on concrete walls or standing on friends' shoulders. She often doesn't know his exact whereabouts in Los Angeles, nor the precise location of her other son, who is 15. As long as they return home by curfew and behave during the week, these teenagers are free to manage their own schedules.

Sophie Jaffe with her daughter Noa in Malibu, California. Photo: WSJ

Jaffe, a 42-year-old wellness consultant living in Culver City, California, has garnered 196,000 followers on Instagram for posts that challenge conventional parenting norms. She says she enjoys spending time with her three children, the youngest being 7. However, as her two older children entered adolescence, she believes they need more freedom, and so does she.

"I know what happens to kids who are overly controlled", Jaffe states. She is not oblivious to the risks of her sons riding electric bikes across the city, nor is she unconcerned when she sees them doing parkour with makeshift ropes. "But I'd rather have them out making memories than stuck indoors glued to video games", she says.

Jaffe's liberal approach extends to allowing her children to drop extracurricular classes if they lose interest and accepting grades that are not straight A's. Although Jaffe herself is successful, running multiple businesses and married to a doctor, she doesn't pressure her children to attend prestigious universities or pursue specific careers. She is actively shedding the common expectations of the middle class, focusing on a broader goal: raising children who explore their passions, are confident, and don't grow up resenting their parents.

Jaffe represents the emerging "Beta moms" in America.

The rise of 'Beta moms'

After decades where the prevailing philosophy among successful parents was to closely supervise their children to mold them into perfect individuals, a new generation of mothers is collectively declaring, "enough is enough". They now carve out time for their own evenings out, refusing to be constantly shuttling children to every extracurricular activity.

Women have historically borne the majority of household chores and childcare responsibilities. However, according to economists, it was only from the 1990s that mothers began to take on the additional role of "project manager" for their children's futures. As the wealth gap widened and the knowledge economy ascended, parents feared their children would fall behind without a competitive edge.

In some communities, the benchmark for successful parenting transformed into a race for prestigious schools, strict control over screen time, or even completing children's extracurricular projects to enhance university applications. This trend was vividly captured in Amy Chua's controversial 2011 book, *Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother*, though many mothers at the time read it primarily to reassure themselves they weren't quite that strict.

In 1975, women in the US spent an average of 14 minutes per week helping their children with homework. By 2018, that number had increased nearly five times to one hour and nine minutes. Time spent playing with children rose from 36 minutes to nearly three hours. Men's time with their children also increased, with homework help rising from 20 minutes to 50 minutes. Meanwhile, the birth rate reached a record low last year, a 20% decrease compared to 1975.

Economist Corinne Low from the University of Pennsylvania says she has witnessed firsthand the "arms race" at the University of Pennsylvania, where students as young as 17 submitted applications with extensive resumes. "What appears on their children's academic records is largely the result of parents' hard work", she notes.

The "Beta mom" phenomenon is a consequence of new realities: society is having more candid discussions about maternal mental health and shifts in the economic landscape.

Investing in a childhood pre-programmed for office jobs is no longer the most suitable option as the labor market stagnates and AI threatens the position of the intellectual class. Mothers are starting to feel exhausted, bewildered by what their tireless efforts have achieved, and are yearning for an alternative.

"This is a reaction to an old trend that has reached its limit. Parents are gradually realizing that a Harvard degree may no longer be a guaranteed ticket to success", comments Emily Oster, a Brown University economist specializing in parenting research.

Danielle Steele, 34, who lives in Fayetteville, Georgia, and is raising her 4-year-old daughter, has a different perspective.

"My mother was taught that once you become a mother, that's it, your personal life is over", she says. "My generation doesn't want to live like that anymore".

Letting go

Jessica Tyson spending time with her two children, Avery and Gemma. Photo: WSJ

Jessica Tyson embarked on motherhood with the same mindset she used to navigate college with two majors and two minors, or a high school schedule so packed she didn't even have a lunch break. The 40-year-old now runs an online staffing company in Redding, Connecticut. "I thought this was just another challenge I needed to conquer", she shares.

Tyson enrolled herself and her mother in a "baby-led weaning" course. She read books on sleep training and joined the author's Facebook group for advice. She bought guidebooks to cook organic baby food, while filling her children's rooms with books and puzzles that were both aesthetically pleasing and developmentally appropriate.

But after giving birth to her second child during the Covid-19 pandemic, she completely broke down.

"I was on the verge of a mental breakdown", Tyson recounts, adding that she suffered from severe insomnia and panic attacks that left her breathless.

She abandoned sugar-free, preservative-free recipes and stopped trying to prevent her children from climbing into her bed to sleep. She also realized the "ironic" truth that she found it boring to sit on the floor playing with her children. So, instead of spending hours preparing games, she involved her children in household chores and gardening with her.

She also gave up the dominant neutral color palette in her home and relaxed her cleaning routines, such as daily vacuuming or trying to confine all her children's toys to their own rooms. Afterward, she started a local group for mothers like herself who wanted to change.

"It's hard to say because no one wants to be seen as a failure", Tyson admits. However, more mothers are openly discussing ways to alleviate this burden.

Casey Neal, a stay-at-home mother of four children aged 5, 7, 9, and 12, often posts TikTok videos recounting humorous mishaps she's caused. In one video, she confesses to forgetting a suitcase by the front door while driving her child to a cheerleading competition four hours away. In another, her daughter complains that her expensive competition uniform had been left in the back of the car for weeks.

"They help other mothers see that it's okay not to be perfect", Neal, 33, says of her videos.

Ashleigh Surratt, 28, living in Houston, has attracted a large following by sharing her parenting style, which she calls "C-tier", a blend of the perfectionist "A-tier" and the chaotic "B-tier" when raising her three young children aged 1, 3, and 4. As she describes it, this style focuses on certain tasks, while others can be disregarded.

All three of Surratt's children use the same diaper size regardless of age, a "trick" she devised to avoid sorting multiple sizes. If her children fuss about changing clothes in the morning, she'll usher them all into the car first, play some cheerful music, and deal with clothes later.

"Bedtime is no longer important either", Surratt states. "When everyone starts to wind down and feels sleepy, then it's time for bed".

Surratt's videos made Adrian Knowles, 35, feel less isolated when she went to the supermarket in her pajamas with a towel wrapped around her head. She is a veterinarian, currently living with her 5-year-old son and her husband's three children aged 7, 12, and 16.

"I used to be someone who spent an hour every morning just doing my makeup", she says.

Danielle Antosz, a 42-year-old marketing specialist, has given up pushing her children into the race for prestigious schools. Having struggled with student debt herself, she now believes that getting into Ivy League schools is no longer a measure of success or happiness.

Adrian Knowles and her son. Photo: WSJ

Instead of controlling her children, she chooses simplification to reduce pressure. She allows her children to participate in only one extracurricular activity and ignores the messy pile of socks in the laundry basket. "I don't want to spend time just sorting socks", Antosz explains.

Psychologist Claire Nicogossian observes that "high-pressure" parenting is backfiring. "A-tier" parents not only exhaust themselves but also push their children into similar states. In two decades of practice, Nicogossian says she has seen many truly talented teenagers abruptly give up everything at ages 15 or 16. This is often the only act of self-determination in a life constantly dictated by others.

Lawyer Sarah Miracle, 42, has even witnessed more negative repercussions in court, where excessive control has led children astray. "If you hold on too tight, they'll find a way to break free", she says. For her, parenting is like "planting flower seeds, scattering them, and hoping for the best".

Vu Hoang (According to WSJ, AFP, Reuters)