According to Doctor Tammy Nelson, a sex and marriage therapist in the US, maintaining intimacy requires effort from both partners, especially once a couple becomes accustomed to shared routines and believes there is nothing new to discover about each other. She identifies five common mistakes that increasingly drive couples apart.
Believing you fully understand your partner
After many years of living together, many people believe they know all their partner's preferences, habits, and desires. However, Doctor Nelson notes that people constantly change over time. What someone enjoyed years ago may no longer be relevant today. "Don't box your partner into your old understanding of them", she says.
Instead of assuming they already understand each other, couples should maintain the habit of discussing new thoughts, desires, and plans. When one partner feels their spouse is no longer curious or interested in their inner world, they can easily be drawn to attention from others. This is one of the causes of infidelity in long-term marriages.
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Avoiding frank conversations
Many couples choose silence in the face of disagreement, fearing confrontation or that an exchange of words might harm harmony. However, this avoidance allows conflicts to accumulate subtly over the years. "The real concern in a marriage isn't when two people argue, but when they stop arguing and stop communicating", says Nelson.
The expert advises couples to openly address sensitive topics often avoided, such as finances, intimacy, or the division of household chores, to discuss them together instead of silently enduring.
Only complaining about intimacy issues
When their sex life encounters problems, many people often focus only on what their partner isn't doing well, such as blaming them for a lack of initiative or affection.
According to Nelson, direct complaints about intimacy can easily make the listener feel judged, leading to a defensive and more withdrawn mindset. Instead of blaming, couples should start conversations by recalling intimate memories or gestures from their partner that once brought them joy.
From this foundation of appreciation, each person can then openly share their current desires. "Ignite and build upon what once brought positive emotions to both of you", the expert advises.
Letting marriage revolve solely around daily necessities
Upon entering married life, work, bills, children, and extended family responsibilities often consume much of a couple's time. Doctor Nelson calls this a "maintenance" state — essential for a family to function stably, but if it stops there, the relationship will become monotonous and stifling.
To maintain connection, couples need to actively break away from daily routines with private dates or by experiencing new activities together. They should also dedicate quiet moments at the end of the day to rest and converse without discussing finances or work.
Having feelings but not expressing them
Another common mistake among long-term couples is assuming their partner naturally knows they are loved, making verbal expression seem unnecessary.
Doctor Nelson suggests that whenever you recall a positive quality in your partner or feel grateful for their companionship, express it directly. Sometimes, a simple message like, "Whenever I think of you, I feel warm inside", is enough to make the listener feel appreciated and draw the two of you closer.
Nhat Minh (According to New York Post)
