"I feel incredibly ashamed," Kate said. "He stopped initiating sex 10 years ago."
The British couple met in their 30s and had a passionate beginning. Kate's first pregnancy at 36 led to health issues that interrupted their sex life. After giving birth, Kate tried to revive their intimacy, but it remained infrequent, occurring only once every few months.
"Two years later, when we wanted another child, we conceived on the first try. But that was also the last time we were intimate," she recounted. Mark always used the excuse of being too tired.
As a woman, Kate felt embarrassed to initiate sex. "You often hear about men wanting sex and their wives avoiding it, but it's the opposite in our case," she said.
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Illustrative photo: Gaijinpot |
Illustrative photo: Gaijinpot
A 2018 survey by Gransnet and Mumsnet, in partnership with the UK relationship counseling service Relate, found that over 25% of cohabiting couples are sexless. A 2023 survey by condom company Lelo also revealed that over 25% of people are having less sex than before.
Relate counselor Natasha Silverman noted: "Periods without sex are normal, but because society rarely discusses it, those experiencing it feel abnormal."
Dr. Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and psychosexual expert in London, explained that common causes include familiarity and routine. "Couples begin to see each other as friends or co-parents, investing less in sexual catalysts like flirting, compliments, passionate kissing, touching, or talking about sex. As a result, intimacy gradually fades."
Marital conflict can also lead to a lack of passion. For younger couples, children can be an obstacle, causing them to neglect their intimacy. These couples are almost twice as likely to be sexless compared to childless couples.
Like Emma, 40, who has a 5-year-old and a 10-month-old: "I hate my husband touching me. My desire has completely cooled, but luckily, my husband understands."
However, when children reach high school, intimacy often rekindles.
Age is also a factor, as menopause can decrease libido, with one-third of women admitting to losing interest in sex.
According to the Relate survey, nearly 50% of women in sexless relationships have argued with their partners about it. Dr. Gurney emphasized that sexual satisfaction is closely linked to marital happiness. Great sex improves mood, mental health, and strengthens bonds.
Kate admitted that the lack of sex has pushed their marriage to the brink. Some couples choose divorce because they don't want to live without physical intimacy.
But Dr. Gurney said many couples in sexless marriages remain happy if they prioritize other forms of connection like hugging, cuddling, and flirting. Annabel, 60, from London, and her husband stopped having sex three years ago but are still deeply in love. Annabel said her husband sometimes desires intimacy but doesn't pressure her. "We are still very happy," she said.
Some hormone and psychological therapies can rekindle desire in middle-aged women. "I have helped couples who haven't had sex for 20 to 30 years rediscover intimacy. Retirement, less stress, and more time together can reignite a couple's sex life," counselor Natasha Silverman said.
Bao Nhien (Goodhousekeeping)
