Introduced by a mutual colleague, Xiao Tong and Zhang returned to their hometown in Jiangxi, China, after their studies. They had stable jobs, a well-behaved child, and a shared love of food and travel.

Arguments were rare in the early years of their marriage. When faced with difficulties, they operated on a "don't bother" principle, each handling problems independently. Disagreements were met with days of silence followed by a quiet reconciliation. This approach, initially perceived as a foundation of stability, gradually created an invisible chasm between them.

One day, Xiao Tong had a minor car accident while taking their child out. She spent 4 hours resolving the situation alone, without informing her husband. Instead of concern, Zhang's response was accusatory: "How many times have I told you!". Hurt, Tong responded coldly, initiating a 20-day silent treatment.

While Zhang's parents encouraged reconciliation, he dismissed their advice, believing that "pampering leads to spoiled behavior." Tong's parents also advised her to let it go, and she reluctantly agreed.

The unresolved conflict deepened the divide between them. When Zhang's mother was hospitalized, Tong offered to take time off work to care for her, but Zhang refused. He opted to hire help, believing that "if money can solve a problem, why bother his wife?". Under work pressure, Tong refrained from complaining, leading Zhang to assume she preferred distance and further withdrawing, giving her space.

This vicious cycle transformed them from soulmates into strangers.

A similar aversion to bothering each other led Yunduo, from Hubei, to divorce her husband over a gas canister. Her husband, attempting to cook, discovered they were out of gas. Yunduo, while taking their child to a doctor's appointment, ordered a refill by phone. Having forgotten to update their address, the delivery went to the wrong location, infuriating her husband.

Unbeknownst to him, Yunduo's electric scooter had run out of battery. Instead of asking him for a ride, she pushed the scooter home, fearing she would be a bother. Her delayed return resulted in the gas delivery mishap. Instead of understanding, her husband’s anger left her feeling emotionally disconnected. "If we can't share even small things, what's left to hold us together?", Yunduo said.

Peking University psychologist Wu Zhihong wrote, "Being considerate and afraid to bother others often stems from despair and is always accompanied by loneliness".

He believes that in marriage, feeling needed is the most crucial bond. Overcoming challenges together strengthens love. Conversely, avoiding inconvenience widens the gap, leading to cracks in the relationship.

A healthy marriage isn't about constant peace, but the ability to argue, discuss, confide, and yes, to bother each other. These very challenges can forge stronger bonds.

Yet, in many families, wives shoulder all domestic responsibilities, unwilling to bother their husbands. Over time, men take this for granted, while women exhaust themselves in silent solitude.

Wu argues that an "all-around wife" doesn't equate to a happy marriage. Love is never a one-woman show.

"'Bother' carries a negative connotation, but it's actually the glue that holds a marriage together. One person enjoys 'bothering,' the other enjoys 'being bothered' - that's perhaps the ideal state of marriage", Wu said.

As their relationship cooled, Xiao Tong and Zhang sought help from Xu Lifang, a counselor at the Ganzhou City Women's Federation in Jiangxi province. Through counseling, they learned to express their needs instead of resorting to silence.

One day, after Xiao Tong worked overtime, Zhang prepared her favorite dessert. Touched, she said, "This sweet treat makes me feel loved".

Another night, Zhang asked his wife to bring him a late-night snack. Initially, he felt guilty for "bothering her with something he could order," but seeing her happy to oblige, he realized the perceived inconvenience made her feel needed.

Xiao Tong, in turn, began including Zhang more in her life, such as inviting him to social gatherings. They gradually rebuilt trust and security in their marriage.

Xu Lifang added that avoiding bother can stem from good intentions, but prolonged, it becomes a deadly silence. Conversely, "bothering in moderation" is an opportunity to demonstrate trust, reliance, and the feeling of being needed - essential elements for a lasting marriage.

Bao Nhien (From Family and Marriage magazine)