Bill and Jane, a couple from Texas, United States, sought the help of psychologist Avrum Weiss as their marriage teetered on the brink. Bill was reserved and rarely shared his thoughts, while Jane was extroverted and always expressed her feelings openly.
Jane felt isolated even with her husband beside her. The louder she spoke, trying to connect, the more Bill withdrew. During a counseling session, Bill confessed that he preferred to endure silence rather than risk an "explosion." He feared that speaking would only worsen things, while Jane chose divorce because she could not tolerate his silence.
According to psychologist Avrum Weiss, this common tragedy stems from psychological and biological barriers specific to men.
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Illustrative photo: Pexels. |
Fear and shame
Psychologist Weiss identified two core reasons men hesitate to speak up: shame and the fear of abandonment.
Men are often raised to be emotionally self-reliant. They perceive admitting a need for something from others as a weakness. Many also believe that speaking during conflict only escalates the situation. To avoid risk, they often become "emotional detectors" for their wives. Any sign of dissatisfaction from their wives is interpreted as a personal failure.
The saying "happy wife, happy life" becomes a guiding principle, leading them to prioritize appeasing their partner's anger above all else. This can result in a loss of personal identity and a choice to remain silent for peace.
The brain's "disconnect"
Beyond psychological factors, science demonstrates that the male brain reacts differently to stress. A 2010 study by the University of Southern California (USC) indicated that when men face intense discussions, the brain region responsible for empathy tends to show reduced activity.
Psychologist Mara Mather, director of the Emotion and Cognition Lab at USC, explained: "During acute stress, the male brain's ability to process facial expressions like fear or anger decreases. They become overwhelmed, and the brain automatically shifts into a resting state."
Conversely, when women experience stress, their brains show increased activity in regions for facial recognition and empathy. This creates a vicious cycle: The more stressed a wife becomes, the more she seeks dialogue and connection, while the more pressure a husband feels, the more he loses the ability to understand and wants to withdraw.
Understanding this biological mechanism can help couples adopt a more compassionate perspective. Men's silence is sometimes an involuntary brain reflex, not a rejection of affection. Instead of forcing immediate dialogue, creating a safe, low-pressure environment can help men open up more easily.
By Nhat Minh (Source: Yourtango, Psychology Today)
