Russell Shaw, a high school principal in Washington, USA, recounts the story of a parent who came to him feeling like he had "lost his 15-year-old daughter." Since joining a new group of friends, the girl had become obsessed with her appearance, glued to her phone, and dishonest about her schoolwork. "I want to forbid her from seeing these bad friends, but I'm afraid it will only make things worse," the father confessed.
Psychological studies show that while younger children find their center within the family and school, as they grow older, their peer group becomes their focus. This shift isn't a parenting failure, but a natural developmental stage.
Despite understanding this, many parents worry when their children befriend those they've previously warned them against.
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Illustrative photo: Atlantic |
Illustrative photo: Atlantic
According to Shaw, neither forbidding these friendships nor giving up is effective. Reactance theory suggests that when people feel their freedom is threatened, they become more motivated to pursue what's forbidden. For teenagers, forbidding a relationship only makes it more enticing. Shaw once advised two 11th graders to break up, believing their relationship was unhealthy. The result? Their romance became even more dramatic.
Shaw emphasizes that parents need patience and must recognize their own significant influence on their children. He cites the example of a third-grade student with difficulty focusing, whose father tended to jump from topic to topic. Similarly, a seventh-grade girl who bullied others had a mother who frequently criticized people.
Research by psychologist Laurence Steinberg of Temple University, USA, indicates that while friends influence daily choices like clothing, music, and entertainment, parents still shape core values and major decisions, like choosing long-term partners. These values aren't taught through lectures, but absorbed through everyday interactions, from how parents converse and behave to how they treat others.
After seeking Shaw's advice, the father of the 15-year-old girl didn't prevent her from seeing her "bad" friends. The family maintained their routines: volunteering together, phone-free dinners, and open conversations about their careers. Importantly, the father avoided judging his daughter's friends. Gradually, the girl began to filter her friendships, leaving behind unsuitable relationships and embracing her family's positive values.
"The effective approach is to increase the appeal of home, making it a place where your child and their friends want to be," Shaw explains. "Sometimes, it's as simple as a well-stocked snack cupboard and shared meals, but the key is letting children see their parents as a stable support, not adversaries."
In serious situations, where a child's friends are involved in harmful activities or dangerous behavior, parents need to intervene directly. Parents must understand why their child sought out that particular group.
"The core principle is to trust the foundation you've built with your child," Shaw emphasizes. "Teenagers might test boundaries, but family values and love don't disappear just because they befriend people who worry us."
Parenting isn't about control, but about providing guidance and having faith in a child's ability to make good choices. Sometimes, that means letting them learn from their own experiences, while being there when they need you most.
Bao Nhien (Atlantic)
