In the chat window, the 35-year-old man from Thanh Xuan, Hanoi, conversed with a 33-year-old woman introduced by a matchmaking service. He revised his message several times before sending it, aiming for a tone that was neither too eager, which could create pressure, nor too casual, which might suggest a lack of seriousness.

After sending the message, Tuan opened his email to respond to seven women who had replied to his dating profile on a dating website. This task consumed nearly two more hours of his evening.

This was a typical night for Tuan, much like the past five years. He had posted personal introductions on dating platforms six times, invested in matchmaking services, and even lost 500 million VND to a scam targeting single men. Now, he chats with multiple people concurrently to increase his chances of success.

The number of individuals who find it difficult to marry, like Tuan, is growing. According to the General Statistics Office, Vietnam had approximately 20 million single people by the end of 2024. The average age for first marriage among Vietnamese has also consistently risen. Between 1999 and 2019, the marriage age increased by 1.1 years, from 24.1 to 25.2. In the subsequent five years (2019-2024), this figure jumped an additional 2.1 years, reaching 27.3, and even exceeding 30 in some localities. This rate of increase is nearly eight times faster than in the two preceding decades.

This shift stems from what sociologists term the "inflation" of life milestones. Marriage is postponed as young people dedicate more time to "transition stations" such as pursuing higher education, securing stable employment, accumulating financial resources, and purchasing a home.

Professor Ngo Thi Phuong Lan from the University of Social Sciences and Humanities, TP HCM, notes that competitive pressures and high living costs in urban areas make it challenging for individuals to manage multiple responsibilities simultaneously. The maturation process extends, with economic stability and housing consistently prioritized. "Delayed marriage is not due to young people being overly selective, but rather a way they proactively adapt to the socio-economic conditions of modern urban life", Professor Lan states.

Bui Tuan’s journey exemplifies this trend. After working for several years, he returned home to assist his family's lubricant factory during a crisis. He focused on transitioning the sales model to e-commerce platforms. By the time the business stabilized, Tuan was over 30.

At this point, his social circle had narrowed, prompting him to turn to matchmaking. "However, matchmaking is also challenging because both sides are scrutinizing each other, fearing the other person might not be as they present themselves, leading to a cycle of inconclusive dating", he explains.

This presents a paradox of modern maturation: the more time young people spend establishing stability for marriage, the fewer opportunities and less space they have to find a life partner. "When an individual cannot yet define their place in society, they find it very difficult to sign a lifelong commitment with another person", Professor Lan observes.

A group of young friends seeking dates in Thanh Xuan, Hanoi, December 2023. *Photo: Thanh Nga*

Thanh Ha, 35, a civil servant in Khanh Hoa, faces a similar situation. Previously, her life plan included achieving career stability at 23, marrying at 25, and having two children before 30. However, upon receiving her master's degree at 30, she realized that finding a suitable partner was almost impossible due to a limited pool of prospects. Despite lowering her standards for appearance and finances, Ha has yet to find a companion.

"There were times I felt adrift, fearing I would live alone in the future", Ha recounts.

The evolving values of marriage

The Vietnamese definition of marriage has diverged from previous generations. American sociologist Andrew Cherlin notes that in earlier generations, couples often married in their twenties without accumulated wealth, building their careers together. Marriage then served as a "cornerstone". Today, marriage has become a "capstone", the final element placed after other life goals are achieved.

"It's not that the value of marriage has diminished, but its sequence in life is changing", Professor Lan analyzes. "Marriage is increasingly seen less as a milestone that must be completed at a certain age, and more as a choice tied to an individual's readiness".

However, the reality is that even after achieving many conditions once deemed essential for marriage, finding a partner remains difficult. Quang Minh, 42, director of a construction company in Vinh Phuc, dedicated his youth to work. When his company became stable, he struggled to find a life partner. His five-year relationship with a girlfriend 14 years his junior ended because she wanted more time to experience her youth.

"In the past, I was constantly away on construction sites, making relationships hard. Now I have finances and time, but romance is still not easy", he states.

Quang Minh, 42, at a construction site in Bac Ninh province, 7/2026. *Photo: Provided by subject*

Professor Wei-Jun Jean Yeung, Director of the Centre for Family and Population Research at the National University of Singapore (NUS), indicates that the trend of delayed marriage in Vietnam is a consequence of "compressed modernization"—economic and social changes occurring at a pace many times faster than in the West.

"Societal progress does not align with the traditional expectations placed on women regarding family care duties", Professor Yeung tells VnExpress. "When women achieve economic independence, marriage becomes a choice rather than an obligation, especially when they perceive the opportunity cost of being a wife and mother as too high".

This expert also points out that escalating housing prices and the standard of "intensive parenting" are pushing young people into two groups: those who actively choose not to marry, or those who wish to marry but lack sufficient financial means.

Professor Ngo Thi Phuong Lan acknowledges that the "capstone" model allows young people to enter marriage with greater autonomy and responsibility. However, she cautions against making this a rigid standard. Complete stability can be built collaboratively by two people during their shared life journey.

To address the issue of delayed marriage among Vietnamese people, Professor Yeung believes that appeals alone are insufficient. "Policies need to create an environment where young people can start families without having to sacrifice too much", the Singaporean expert advises.

According to her, solutions encompass five main pillars: housing support, promoting equal career opportunities, expanding flexible work arrangements, increasing maternity leave, and developing childcare networks.

Returning to Bui Tuan, after sending his final email response of the night, he turned off his device. Seeing his last single friend in the group recently marry makes him more anxious. "I still dream of holding my child, cooking and washing dishes with my wife after work. I just don't know when it will come true", Tuan shares.

Phan Duong