Contrary to common belief, most parents seeking psychological help are not neglecting their children. Instead, they lose connection due to excessive intervention. This stems from genuine love and a desire to help, yet deep down lies a fear of being "sidelined" from their adult children's lives.
Doctor Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist and author of "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child," advises caution regarding three behaviors if your children are struggling with life decisions:
Worrying more about your children's lives than they do themselves
When parents fall into a "pessimistic spiral," they inadvertently create immense pressure on their children. Obsessive questions like, "What if they can't cope?" or "When will they truly become independent?" often manifest in unwelcome ways.
Through his counseling experience, Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein observes that this excessive anxiety often reveals itself through rushed tones, over-eagerness, or a barrage of messages.
Children do not perceive concern in these actions; the only thing they feel is "pressure."
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Rushing to reassure without being asked
When children encounter emotional, financial, or career difficulties, parents' instinct is to quickly offer comfort and solutions. Reassurance is only effective in moderation. If overused, it can make children feel overwhelmed.
The issue is that while reassurance helps parents feel better, it can make children feel misunderstood or dismissed, especially when they are stressed.
Adult children need space to break free from negative spirals more than promises that "everything will be okay." Intervening too early weakens their resilience and autonomy in the face of challenges.
Playing the "rescue team" in every situation
If you live only for the next encounter with your children, constantly revisiting old problems, or offering unsolicited advice, you are losing their respect.
When excessively intervened with, children may outwardly comply, but their hearts gradually close off.
Remember, you are a parent, not a special forces captain deployed to "fix" your children's lives. Depriving them of the opportunity to learn from mistakes also deprives them of the right to mature.
The PACE model: stepping back intelligently
In his book "Freeing Your Child from Overthinking," Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein introduces the PACE model to help parents live peacefully with children who are "paralyzed" by anxiety:
P (Pause): When you feel yourself getting caught in a spiral of worry, take a deep breath, go for a walk, or find a gentle distraction. This pause helps you regain clarity.
A (Acknowledge): Name the problem. Admitting that you or your child is overthinking will help you conquer the fear.
C (Curb): Stop the urge to immediately solve all of your children's life problems. Remind yourself that uncertainty is an essential part of life.
E (Execute): Take small steps. Instead of worrying about your children, do something beneficial for yourself, such as cleaning your desk or calling a friend. When parents live their own lives well, their children will feel less burdened.
By Nhat Minh (Source: *Psychology Today*)
