Expert warns of common mistakes causing sex life to 'wither'

The habit of living parallel lives and a lack of active connection due to financial pressures are silent killers of desire, causing the sex lives of many couples to grow cold.

Sexual desire can naturally fluctuate throughout a marriage, particularly with increasing age or when facing significant life events. While many studies point to lifestyle and relationship factors as causes for declining desire, experts emphasize that changes in desire or frequency of intercourse do not inherently signal a troubled sex life.

Doctor Anna Elton, a marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist based in Massachusetts, United States, asserts that there is no specific medical definition for a healthy sex life.

"The standard for health lies in whether both individuals feel connected, satisfied, and respected in their intimate relationship," Fox News Digital quoted her as saying.

According to Doctor Elton, what constitutes a healthy frequency varies greatly: it might be several times a week for one couple but only one to two times a month for another. The most accurate measure is mutual satisfaction. She encourages couples to define what is healthy for their own relationship, rather than comparing it to others.

"Discuss what brings satisfaction, the maximum time two people can be apart before feeling disconnected, and what the warning signs are," she advised. "Once you have agreed on that suitable timeframe, commit to maintaining it together."

Illustrative photo: Thrive Global

A critical mistake couples make is allowing distance to persist without active reconnection. Prolonged separation erodes the relationship. Passively waiting for a perfect mood or a convenient time often leads to work, children, and countless daily responsibilities quickly intervening. A lasting relationship demands initiative from both partners to foster connection and create an environment where desire can be rekindled.

Many couples find themselves consumed by career development, raising children, caring for elderly parents, or managing finances. This focus often leads them to inadvertently relegate their relationship to a lower priority. Consequently, they begin to live parallel lives, where conversations are limited to schedules, errands, bills, and children. Time together diminishes, and affectionate gestures, physical touch, or romantic teasing are replaced by stress, conflict, and accumulated resentment.

"These are early warning signs that the relationship is no longer actively nurtured, leading to a subsequent decline in sex life," Doctor Elton explained.

Conversely, Doctor Elton also highlights couples who maintain regular sexual relations merely to "keep the peace" or avoid conflict. While their intimate life may appear normal externally, those involved often experience emptiness and emotional disconnection. Physical intimacy and spiritual connection are intertwined; therefore, improving one's sex life requires focusing on the bond between the two individuals.

"If one or both individuals consistently feel rejected, lonely, resentful, or try to completely avoid conversations about their sex life, that is when professional help is needed," the marriage and family therapist stated.

Similarly, issues such as painful intercourse, erectile dysfunction, hormonal imbalances, psychological trauma, depression, anxiety, or a prolonged discrepancy in desire should be addressed with a professional as soon as possible.

Ultimately, the sexologist affirms that a discrepancy in sexual desire between partners is "completely normal." The key to overcoming this is to approach intimacy from a "teamwork" perspective. Understanding means maintaining curiosity and concern for each other's feelings. Instead of creating pressure or withdrawing, couples should communicate openly, respect each other's boundaries, and together find methods of intimacy that make both comfortable.

Additionally, broadening the concept of intimacy—including affectionate gestures, physical touch, flirtation, or quality time spent together—will help strengthen the bond and facilitate the natural return of sexual desire.