For Jane, a 57-year-old accountant, this "quiet withdrawal" began with accumulated hurt. Her husband struggled with alcoholism throughout his youth. Although he has been sober for 10 years, the emotional scars left on his wife and children have never healed. Jane repeatedly attempted to communicate and reconcile, but was met with avoidance. Gradually, their life together became a mechanical routine: maintaining shared habits but devoid of emotional connection.

"When our children visit, dinner is always lively. But when it's just the two of us, the atmosphere in the house feels as heavy as stone," Jane recounted.

Instead of continuing to suffer or filing for divorce, Jane chose a different path. She started traveling with friends, indulging in personal pleasures without needing her husband to accompany her. "I increasingly enjoy life as if I'm alone. I no longer see saving the marriage as solely my responsibility," the 57-year-old woman stated.

Some women, when powerless in their marriage, decide to invest in their lives outside the marriage but do not divorce. Photo: Guardian

Jane's story is not unique. Hannah, 54, arrived at a similar decision a few months ago: to live as best as possible, even if it meant enduring loneliness within her own home.

After eight years without intimacy, Hannah had made unsuccessful attempts to reconnect with her husband. As the primary financial provider, divorce for her meant the risk of economic crisis and potential negative impacts on her two adult children. Consequently, she chose to remain in the marriage but redirected her energy, seeking out concerts, social gatherings with friends, and various community activities.

"Since I stopped thinking I had to break up or fix the relationship at all costs, I feel much lighter. We are now only bound by responsibilities to our children," Hannah admitted. This approach to living does not bring her immense happiness, but it does provide a sense of calm.

The state that Jane and Hannah are experiencing is known as "quiet quitting," a term originally used in the workplace that is now permeating marital relationships.

According to The Cut magazine, this describes a situation where an individual decides to cease efforts to nurture the relationship, stops arguing, and stops holding expectations for their partner. They do not physically leave, but their emotional presence has "checked out" from the relationship. Audrey, 56, an analyst in London, likens these to "zombie" marriages: the lights are on, but the soul has departed the home.

Audrey estimates that approximately 40% of her friends are in this state. She herself "quietly quit" six years ago, after 16 years of marriage, when she could no longer tolerate her husband's indifference. "I don't want to keep running after others' needs while being ignored," she said.

Audrey suggests that for some couples, this strategy can actually be a "secret" to maintaining the family unit. It allows them to preserve their individual identities rather than expecting their partner to be their sole source of fulfillment. "Perhaps the issue isn't leaving the marriage, but leaving the old marriage model to find independent joy," she reflected.

However, from a psychological standpoint, this silence carries significant risks. Camilla Nichols, a psychodynamic therapist in the UK, views "quiet withdrawal" as a pathological indicator of a relationship. She identifies six warning signs that a marriage is entering this state:

• Lack of affection and intimacy
• A fading sex life or sleeping separately
• Indifference to a partner's daily successes or failures
• Constantly comparing who contributes more to the family
• Competition instead of cooperation in parenting
• Little to no shared social activities

"Withdrawal might offer temporary false peace, but in the long run, it creates a gap that becomes impossible to fill," Nichols cautioned.

Nichols advises couples, before choosing to give up, to calmly reflect on their emotions, ask open-ended questions instead of confronting, and attempt to reintroduce small daily gestures of care to "break the ice" of deep-seated coldness.

Bao Nhien (According to Independent, The Cut)