For several months, Thu Ha, 32, has questioned her attractiveness to her husband, who often turns away from her to secretly watch pornography. While they still live together and communicate, their intimate life has dwindled. One day, she initiated intimacy but was rejected with the excuse, "I'm tired." Accidentally checking his phone's browsing history, she discovered he frequently watched pornography and masturbated alone.

"Knowing my husband still has needs but chooses pornography instead of intimacy with me deeply hurts me," she shared when confiding her frustration to a men's health doctor.

According to Doctor Tra Anh Duy, a specialist at Men's Health Center, a man watching pornography does not mean he is tired of his wife, has fallen out of love, or finds his partner unattractive. Current research also does not indicate that frequent pornography viewing correlates with poorer sexual function with a partner. A 2023 study by Rowland and colleagues, published in the International Journal of Impotence Research, surveyed over 3,500 men and found that the frequency of pornography viewing and masturbation had only a weak or insignificant link to erectile function and relationship satisfaction.

Doctor Duy explained that one reason could be the convenience of a "stimulation shortcut." Actual sexual intimacy requires time, emotion, communication, and interaction, whereas pornography allows viewers to find stimulation and release quickly with almost no communication or pressure from a partner.

Doctor Duy cited the case of Tan, 38, a mid-level manager, who often returns home feeling drained. After a day of managing numerous tasks, he lacks the energy for conversations or intimacy with his wife.

"For him, turning to adult content doesn't stem from an intense sexual urge, but rather provides stimulation at his desired moment, offering quick release without the need for communication or pressure," the doctor recounted.

However, this habit can become problematic when the screen gradually replaces real sexual life. Warning signs include a man preferring masturbation with pornography over intimacy with his partner, consistently refusing intimacy but still turning to the screen, or only easily becoming aroused with adult content.

A survey once noted that men who prefer masturbating with pornography over intercourse with a partner have a higher risk of sexual dysfunction. However, this indicates a correlation, not proof that pornography directly causes such disorders.

Doctor Duy consulting a couple. Photo: Lam Anh

Adult films have not been directly proven to decrease testosterone levels. Instead, lifestyle factors such as regularly staying up late to watch content, sleep deprivation, lack of physical activity, weight gain, or prolonged stress are more significant considerations. Research published in JAMA shows that in a small group of healthy young men, sleeping around 5 hours per night for one week reduced daytime testosterone compared to adequate sleep.

What truly harms a relationship is often not pornography itself, but rather the partner's feeling of abandonment. The more insecure and critical the woman becomes, the more defensive or secretive the man tends to be, leading the couple into a cycle of suspicion, avoidance, and arguments.

According to Doctor Duy, instead of asking, "Are you tired of me?" or "Are you addicted to pornography?", women should express their feelings, such as, "I feel we're less intimate than before," or "I feel neglected when you choose your phone." Men also need to listen rather than dismiss these concerns with phrases like, "Every man watches it."

If pornography is a small part of one's private life and does not affect desire or marital intimacy, it is not considered a pathology. Conversely, if one cannot control its use, if the screen becomes more appealing than a partner, if intimacy significantly decreases, or if frequent viewing causes secrecy and conflict, seeking help from a men's health doctor, psychologist, or sexologist is advisable.

"The phone truly becomes a 'third party' only when it takes away the time, desire, and connection meant for the person lying right beside you," Doctor Duy said.

Le Phuong